15 Things Making Me Happy Right Now

  1. Kitten videos on Instagram. Always.
  2. Lip liner.
  3. Kiddos.
  4. Young people who are passionate about writing.
  5. Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.
  6. Rewatching SVU with my roommate.
  7. 4096.
  8. The Chronicles of Narnia. Over and over and over again.
  9. Poshmark.
  10. The rainstorms earlier this week.
  11. Banana-Nutella smoothies.
  12. Ativan.
  13. Scripture.
  14. CPAP.
  15. Possibility.

4 thoughts on “15 Things Making Me Happy Right Now

  1. Hi Jackie I have a question. I seem to have all the symptoms that comes with having HOCD but it’s gotten a little more manageable now since I try everything I can to distract myself. But there’s one thing that always gives me great stress. I find girls that look like guys attractive. I’ll mistake them for guys and think “oh he’s hot.” But then I look closer and then I find out it’s a girl. I’ve never ever had a desire to act on those thoughts. Even afterwords if I found them attractive made me uncomfortable. They just look so much like guys and it’s so hard to tell! The idea of talking about girls always made me uncomfortable! Even typing this out is uncomfortable because it doesn’t feel natural to me. If girls ever flirted with me or asked me out I wouldn’t be excited or happy. I’d be uncomfortable and nervous. before If I found a girl that looks like a guy i would get uncomfortable and feel this uncomfortable tightening in my stomach. It didn’t feel the same as the one I feel for boys. . I saw a girl I mistook for a guy last night and now it feels like I got worse, I noticed that when I looked through her profile, it was only the photos where she looked 100% like a guy that I was attracted too, anything less and I wasnt. Before I could play my computer games and see the girls and feel fine because lately I’ve been getting not necessarily better but manageable for the most part. I still had these uncomfortable moments but I could distract myself if I tried hard enough and it’s the only time I feel free. If I stopped doing it the thoughts would come back quickly. . But I noticed I feel better when I panic instead of when I don’t because when I don’t my mind is Still feeding me these thoughts and I’m just in a constant state of uncomfortableness. And I want to turn my brain off but my mind is like “No you don’t, you want to think like this all the time.” And in reality I don’t, this is torture for me and has taken a toll on my life. I’ve become more depressed and anxious and I get terrible sleep. It’s always been about guys guys guys, I had my first crush in like second grade an tried everything I could to be around him and talk to him! Now it’s like “stop lying, you never liked him.” And I know it’s not! My friend calmed me down last night and it felt good talking about guys and I felt normal again. It’s like the only thing that’s holding me back from getting better is the girls that look like guys! I could feel normal for about a minute and then I see them and I panic and then all of a sudden everything screaming WOMEN seems attractive to me and I get a groinal response but I’m not turned on. And I have this weird urge to just come out! Ive never felt that before! Last night I almost did and then like 2 hours later I’m like wtf was I thinking? Because when I was able to think for myself for the few minutes I can I realized that like I did before, I had no desire! I’ve never had a desire! I didn’t have a reason to come out because there was nothing for me to come out about if that makes sense. I will admit that I still avoid LGBT things if I can because that stuff has ALWAYS made me uncomfortable. These thoughts happen throughout the day. They always seem worse in the morning. I know I like guys because my crush told me how he got a girlfriend and I got upset and I started to tear up because I thought he liked me. It’s like even when I type out anything that’s similar to the word gay my mind replaces it with that. I could type out “okay” and it would go like “o-gay” and it’s so annoying! Do you believe this is HOCD? Should I seek medical help?

  2. I’ve seen a lot of comments from others when it comes to asking for your help on OCD. Is it normal to feel better and then all of a sudden you see something that triggers you and you all of a sudden feel completely terrible? Like I could manage the thoughts, they made me uncomfortable but I could think of having a boyfriend and be happy, now I just feel terribly anxious, and I’ve gotten the courage to leave the house and hang with friends again; now it’s like that’s all out the window! Sorry I’m just so desperate for answers. I only get a few minutes free from these thoughts and then I get confused like why I do feel normal now, why am I not thinking? And then I start thinking again. :(((

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