33 thoughts on “Days Like This

  1. I’m running out of people to ask then I landed on your website, I was hoping you can help.

    I’m a 16 year old girl who had generalized anxiety disorder, separation anxiety and my mom has told me before I have some OCD tendencies. I had an obsession like this before but with death and I constantly looked up if I was dying and panicked about it everyday. I refused to eat for days Incase something lodged in my throat and I died, I went to therapy for this and I’m better now but I still check myself for diseases and If I feel any pain in my body whether it be on my arm or leg I think I’m dying. Also my friend told me about how if your arm goes numb then it means you’re gonna have a heart attack or whichever finger or foot is farthest away from your heart and has a tingle it means you’re also gonna have a heart attack. That still freaks me out to this day and sometimes I’m afraid to go to school Incase that happens. for all my life identified as straight. I’ve had crushes on guys since like kindergarten. My first crush was on Tom Bergeron from AFV lol. I’ve questioned before and I brushed it off after 2 days. Then last summer I somehow convinced myself I was gay, something had to of triggered me and I had the strongest urges to come out to my mom even though I never felt like that before. I had strong urges to kiss my friends and I never had that before and I didn’t like it. Now I better let you know I did play like Mom and dad with my friend Lauren when we were 6 and we kissed. I completely forgot about that until this last week (I’ll get there soon I promise) and I asked a friend of mine to experiment but I just realized that I was gonna imagine her as a guy I had a crush on at the time instead of her. I regretted asking the next morning and I was so weirded out with myself I blocked her on everything. Now when I see her on any social media I panic. When I was like 10 I played a game called IMVU and I went into the lesbian chats and roleplaywd with the girls but that was only after I couldn’t find any guys to do stuff with, I never imagined the girls though I just read the words. I also watch porn, I usually go to guyxguy porn cause I find that the hottest but I do also watch lesbian porn but I think to myself “wow what if my crush did that to me.” and that’s what got me off. Now here’s to where the actual fun begins. Last week I told my friend about a guy I liked who happened to be trans. And I have no problem dating a trans guy as long as they look male? You know? I fell for this guy so hard. He was an internet friend at first but then we met. He was all I thought about! When I went to class I waited until that bell rang so I could text him. Sometimes he called me cute and I got butterflies in my stomach. I imagined us doing stuff together. Then he told me he didn’t like me like that and that broke me a little but he’s one of those guys you’ll never get over. Anyway, the guy I was hanging with asked who he was and I told him he was my friend. Then the guy asked if he was trans (he scrolled through his Instagram and saw old pics) I said yes and he’s like “so you’re bisexual?” And I said no cause I never identified as that nor did I think about being in a relationship with a girl, if I did it was for 2 seconds and it was a “whatever” thought. Ever since then idk what happened but that’s triggered me so badly. The last week has been torture. I kept tearing myself to see if I had a reaction when I thought about a girl and I had this response and I never had that before! I felt a tingle but like not enough to get wet or for my nipples to harden like I did when I thought of guys. All of a sudden I started noticing all these girls, they could be from 5-99 years old and I somehow noticed them. I was terrified. Of course I looked at girls before, if they had a nice body that I wanted or there was something unique about them, like if they had blue hair or something? Or if they had amazing fashion sense! Or if they were just beautiful in general! I did the same thing this summer as I did last time. I blocked out anything that had to do with LGBT. (I have nothing against the community obviously) but I just couldn’t look. Any girl I saw my body reacted! The thoughts haunt me 24/7. I avoided TV shows with LGBT plots or any of my friends who were girls Incase I had the urge to kiss them. My attraction to guys is completely gone and I hate it. I’m afraid to use my phone or use my computer Incase I found any female characters attractive (I play PC games). I do mental tests to see if I find things with a girl attractive and I just feel uncomfortable. These thoughts have made me suicidal and I told my mom about this because I always do. And she took us to our family doctor who I love and he told us it was my anxiety acting up which made me feel better for a few hours. Then it came back the next day 10x stronger and we went to the hospital and talked to a crisis worker and he recommended therapy. the thoughts feel so real. My mind tells me that all my past crushes were lies and that terrified me. I’ve cried over guys before! I’ve dreamed about them and if we didn’t kiss by the time I woke up I got upset. I cuddled pillows one time to imagine my ex (long distance) I sometimes make up stories in my head and talk to myself as if it were a boyfriend and I talking! My mind keeps telling me I’m gay. And I tried to accept it and it felt weird saying it. The thoughts stopped for like 10 seconds and then they continue again. Then I say I’m Bi which calmed them down and I was happy cause if I was bi that means I still like boys. Then sometimes if I said it again it didn’t sound right. Then when I say I’m straight that felt normal for the first 3 days, now it doesn’t. The thoughts replace words in my head. Boyfriend > Girlfriend. Husband > wife. I don’t even find my crush attractive anymore when I literally still liked him last week. I’m afraid if I leave the house I’ll find a girl attractive. I found like um, girls that look like guys attractive? But I never thought about dating them before? Just that they were really attractive. And when I found out they were girls I just got uncomfortable. I go on HOCD forums everyday and look up what I’m feeling “HOCD lost attraction?” “HOCD not panicking?” “HOCD false memories?” Now it’s gotten to the point where I don’t panic but my mind keeps saying I’m gay when I know I’m not and that’s what causes me to panic. I was always comfortable with identifying as straight cause that’s what made me feel good and comfortable. Now it feels like I never was and that scares me. Maybe I’m bi but just like guys a lot more? I just want to go back to where I was a week ago. All this has happened within a week and it feels like I’m not even myself anymore. Last week I wanted to go out and be with friends and go swimming and just have fun. Now I’m afraid to step outside my door Incase I find a girl attractive or I look for too long. Sleeping is the only escape I get from these thoughts and the other night before I went to sleep I was imagining doing stuff with my crush and I got the good tingle I like and my body reacted and I felt good; then when I went to bed that night I was doing stuff with a girl! I woke up super anxious and I made myself sick. I’ve been making myself sick the last few days and I’ve noticed the thoughts are worse in the morning. By the end of the night I can 80% of the time convince myself I’m not gay but then I go to bed afraid of what’s about to come the next morning. I’ve lost almost all desire to eat, all I’m drinking is water and I’m lucky I haven’t been like some users who find their parents attractive. I need my mom by my side in order to feel better lol. I’m getting the courage to use my computer today because maybe it’ll distract me. But when I try to distract myself my mind is like “there’s no point, you’re just gonna think about this all the time” now let me ask you, is this HOCD?

    • Hi friend, it sure sounds a lot like HOCD! I’m not a therapist and can’t diagnose you, but I hope that you’ll find help in my resources on HOCD and ERP/CBT (which is the #1 treatment for all types of OCD) at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD. My policy is to not do anything resembling therapy, so pointing you in the direction of this part of my website is the best I can do. I would NOT recommend seeing a traditional therapist– only someone who specifically treats OCD with exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. Read up all about it at the link I gave you! Blessings. There is hope and help and relief available, I promise.

      • Thank you so much, I have another question. Can your mind convince yourself so much to the point where you think you’re gay? Like right now it’s like I’m absolutely convinced I am. And it sounds right but I bet I’m like 30 minutes it’s not going to sound right because that’s what happenes. I doubt everything so much at this point it’s like I don’t know what’s real or not. I can’t do some of the stuff I normally do. And I noticed how many tv shows have the same message to “be yourself” and I think “this must be a sign that I’m gay” and then I freak out. And I tell my mom about this all the time because I trust her more than anyone and she just tells me to “stop thinking about it” or “distract myself” and I try. I really do it but it feels like I can’t and then she tells me that I’m doing this to myself. Should I ask her to see if I can possibly see a specialist and see if I can get diagnosed? Because she wants to take me back to the therapist I went to before with my death obsession. I seek reassurance constantly and now it’s starting to not work which also freaks me out. I want to like boys again. I want to be with a boy. How can my mind be this messed up within a week? I’m sorry for all the questions.

      • Everything– even your death obsession– is a hallmark of OCD, and all of it is best treated with ERP therapy, NOT traditional therapy, which just lets you seek reassurance (this is a primary compulsion for MANY). Your other compulsions are checking (to see if you’re turned on or not) and avoidance (of girls in general or LGBT stories, etc.). These are very, very, very, VERY common OCD obsessions and compulsions, Lex, and it’s in your best interest to talk to your mom about an OCD specialist who does ERP. Read this, and if you think it would help, have your mom read it too: https://jackieleasommers.com/2015/07/29/hocd-a-letter-to-loved-ones/

  2. Thank you so much, I’ll speak to her about it when she gets home! Would you mind if I kept you updated from time to time or message you in case I have anymore questions?

  3. is it common for HOCD to be worse in the morning? Is it also common to lose sleep over it? I woke up at 4am and I can’t go back to sleep because I’m already awake and alert 😦

  4. Thank you. I’m afraid to tell my mom about what type of therapy I want because I’m afraid she won’t take me seriously, especially since I’ve never been diagnosed .-.

  5. It’s like I feel like I have almost no control. It’s like I’m convinced that I’m doing it myself. I want to get healed but my mind at the same time is like you don’t because what if it doesn’t work? What if you have the thoughts after? It like I can barely see myself with a guy now , sometimes I can and it feels good for like 2.5 seconds and then it feels like I’m forcing myself. I’d rather go back to when I felt more anxious cause that gave me reassurance that I wasn’t. I know my mom is totally supportive and so is the rest of my family and my friends but when they say they’ll accept me that isn’t the answer I want to hear. I don’t feel relief from it.

  6. I will, I’m so sorry if I’ve been annoying you. I’ve just never felt this defeated before. Thank you for your help.

      • It’s just so difficult. I want to like boys again and be with a boy. I can say that right now and be confident enough but by the time I finish my statement I doubt it. I’m so afraid that the thoughts will continue on even after treatment. I don’t want to be gay :((

  7. Lol I think I made a mistake, I told the guy who claimed I was bi and told him how he should take the time to learn and educate himself on what his words can do to others and how he said that I need to learn to face the truth and now I’m just like having a weird moment. It feels good to say I’m straight but it also feels good to say, but then when I say I’m gay it also can feel good but then none of those options feel good? Is this even OCD? I’m in more doubt then I was before.

  8. I can’t even do anything without the thoughts in the back of my mind. It feels like I did this to myself. I won’t be able to see therapy for who knows how long due to an issue with insurance, it feels like I want to stay like this. I’m sorry I keep messaging you. It just feels nice to have someone to talk to without them giving the typical answer of “we’ll always support you” or to just “stop thinking about it.” Because either way I still think about it and even if I can stop myself for maybe 5 minutes they come back like “oops did you forget about us?” I feel so upset that the guy who triggered me is living happy and freely while I’m here in this rut. I don’t blame him but at the same time I do. He told me OCD was a n “obsessive cleaning disorder.” Lol

  9. Hi this is a question about HOCD..

    I can fantasize about my crush in my head and it feels good and I feel happy but then all of a sudden when I think wow I want him to be my boyfriend the words will switch. “Wow I wish he was my girlfriend.” Is that normal? :((

  10. Is it normal to not panic as much but still have doubts, last night I was able to feel normal and fantasize and feel good but now I wake up and it makes me doubt if that was even real or felt good. It’s like towards the end of the day I can feel normal for at least a little bit but then when I wake up it’s like that all went down the drain. And I’ve been doing a little personal ERP by exposing myself to more women on TV. I don’t feel the groinal response like I did before but I’m still doubting so much? I still do other compulsions.

  11. Oh and I’m still not watching anything LGBT related, such as Ellen, and other shows like that because last time I tried to do that my thoughts got bad.

  12. I have a question. I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD or Pure-O which describes more accurately how I feel, is it possible to break free from your obsession for maybe an hour at most, then the next day you go back to doubting and overthinking and analyzing everything? Last night I felt a little more free and comfortable. Not completely comfortable, it didn’t quite feel right but that’s the emotion I’ve been having for awhile but enough to where I felt like me again for a little bit, the thoughts weren’t as strong but they were still there, they’re always there… anyway, when I went to sleep and woke up this morning the thoughts came back which make me cry, sometimes I panic over them, sometimes I don’t as much as I did before but they bring me enough anxiety to make myself sick. I try to avoid anything related to my obsession like LGBT themed programs or any rainbows of the sort. I avoid going outside most of the time, I still go out sometimes but avoid it when I can. I used to get a groinal response ifntjays how you say it, but that’s gone away for the most part, I used to not talk as much due to me being lost in the thoughts but I’ve been trying to open up more, my family is aware of what I’m facing and my mom suggests therapy. Towards later hours such as 7-9pm is when I feel the most normal but I’m afraid if I say up for long I’ll think about it and won’t get any sleep. I’ve lost as much sleep as it is due to this. I can’t tell if it’s Pure-O or simply just overthinking. I’ve had episodes like this in the past but I was overthinking about my life and was so convinced I was going to be a failure and never amount to anything once I graduate college, (I’m a junior in highschool). Is something wrong with me?

    Happy 4th!

  13. Hey Jackie, it’s Lex again. Is it possible to be able to distract yourself? I’ve been playing with my crush (aka the trans guy) and we were playing a video game for a few hours and sometimes the thoughts went away quickly, but sometimes they’d just pop in the front of my mind “You’re Gay” “this is why you’re gay” “this is what makes you gay” And I try to ignore it. But even when they’re not at their strongest I’m still not feeling right, if that makes sense. And I think “how can I fantasize about my crush and like it but be gay?” It’s like my mind is drawn to the word now. What does this even mean?

  14. I had a good day yesterday lol, I was able to stay home yesterday without panicking because as long as I don’t watch too many things that deal with LGBT or I play games with my crush, I don’t think about the thoughts as much, they’d still pop into my head when my mind had a minute of freedom but it was manageable. but ever since I woke up this morning it’s the first thing that got my attention when I woke up today, one of those morning panic sessions and I get to stay home again today…..yay!

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