In some ways, 2017 has come at me hard. I’ve had less motivation and time to write than I’ve had in years. Online dating is like a battlefield. I’m still figuring out my sleep patterns.
But then again, I’ve been made stronger: I am figuring out how I work best, experimenting with different schedules, reading a book every week, learning so much about writing and otherwise. I am taking control of online dating, and I am treating myself well. I am learning how to honor myself, if that makes any sense. It probably doesn’t.
Let’s just say that this week was intense. So many tears, so much persuasion from men. I have cried with shame because of how weak men have made me feel, but I have also cried with celebration because– in spite of their best efforts– I have made my own decisions. I have respected myself even when I’ve not been respected by men– and then I have actually turned around and demanded respect.
I’m becoming empowered.
Last week, I read Rupi Kaur’s incredible collection of poetry, Milk and Honey. I read it in one sitting– just breezed through so many pages letting them administer to my heart– and when the book was over, I felt so much stronger because of it that I bought a second copy.
Ladies, if you need some strength, please comment below. You don’t have to tell me details, but please tell me how I can encourage you, pray for you, support you, etc. One of you will win my second copy of Milk and Honey.
I could use prayer for relaxing into healing and freedom. After my past few years, it’s disorienting not being in crisis mode, so I have a hard time not slipping back into that. I have a hard time embracing safety, security, and strength as real and reliable.
Also, I 100% get the difficulties of honoring yourself. I also relate to the shame from how weak men playing with you can make you feel – so sorry you have experienced that.
As a woman and tenderhearted artist, I’m more sensitive and vulnerable that other women even, which I have to remind myself is just a different sort of strength.I’m trying to think of these aspects of myself like I think of my eyes: they’re vulnerable but not weak. My eyes don’t deserve to be honored and protected because they are pretty and helpless but because, in their relative vulnerability, they are powerful and indispensible.
Elizabeth, thank you for reading and commenting. And– I completely agree and understand about how freedom can be disorienting!! Even though crisis and enslavement is terrible, we can– in some ways– get so used to it that freedom is a new horizon with new challenges. I will pray. ❤ Thank you for sharing!
I’m continually inspired by your faith and strength, Jackie! Especially while going through my own ups and downs, and back and forths. I’ve been wrestling with God, what the church has told me, and my own thoughts for the past two years. Specifically as a woman, I’ve felt misunderstood and under-estimated. I’ve had feelings of being too little and feelings of being too much, but what I really want is to just feel confident and comfortable being me, in my own skin.
It’s an odd thing, feeling like people are imposing something on you that you don’t want, be it a belief or a role or whatever. I guess this is where I’m at. In a constant state of determining what I want and don’t want, and figuring out how to respond to the people telling me differently.
Onward ❤ 🙂
I feel like I could have written your comment, Dustin. ❤ I have been thinking a lot about what you wrote on Instagram about Truest and the purity culture of 90s evangelicalism. So much. (Long story, haha!) And the things that you wrote have meant so much to me and have been a source of strength for me, more than you know. I only wish that I could do the same for you!
I’m sorry that you’re having a rough start of the year, and I hope things start to settle down for you soon! Recently, I’ve also had a lot of things happening all at once. I’m definitely learning and growing a lot, but it’s still easy to feel overwhelmed, so I’ve also been reading a lot of poetry (mostly Langston Hughes).
Mmm, isn’t Langston Hughes just incredible? He was one of my favorites in high school. ❤ I'm glad that you're learning and growing a lot (I relate), but so sorry for how overwhelmed you feel (I relate). I relate, I relate, I relate. Being a woman is not easy. For whatever it's worth, I think you are beautiful and brilliant, fun, passionate, talented, and in possession of a spirit that draws others in, Brie. Proud of who you are!!