Hide Me Till the New Year

It’s been a hard week. I’m exhausted and going on three weeks of being sick. Dark, cold mornings make it so hard to get out of bed and face my energy-draining job. I have a deadline coming up for my draft, and I’ve been searching for a spark of soul in this manuscript and so scared it’s not there.

Then, last night, when it started to snow, I burst into tears.

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I’m not ready for winter. I’m not ready for the darkness, the depression that lingers around the holidays for me. I’m a true-blue Minnesotan who, as the snow fell (and thankfully dissolved on contact with the ground), legitimately thought, “I can’t do another Minnesota winter. I need to escape.”

To where? To what? This is my home.

I’ve been wanting to escape this draft too. But again: to where? To what? Writing is my calling. I’m living my dream. I just can’t find the joy in it.

I’ve been wanting to escape work too. To where, to what? I have a great job with hilarious and loving coworkers and an incredible boss.

I’ve been wanting to escape this … silence I’ve been encountering from God. But “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (John 6:68). I know I’m not abandoned. I know that. But it doesn’t mean I don’t feel that way sometimes.

I’m. just. so. tired.

Therapy last night was a God-send, even if it meant I had to go out in the rain/snow. My therapist reminded me that all stories are connected to the gospel, and it was what I desperately needed to hear.

I don’t know what I thought– that a book deal would mean perpetual sunshine in my life? I do rejoice that I’ve been given this gift– this opportunity to share my words, live this life– but the winter has still come each year.

Still, I trust that spring is around the corner.

2 thoughts on “Hide Me Till the New Year

  1. I was feeling that way at the beginning of the month. I went and saw a movie by myself. Here’s hoping you can make a micro-escape investment!

    Usually my default is book therapy—buying a new world to digest and hide in before I have to go out and make more. But my TBR and budget won’t allow for that right now!

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