the ups and the downs

Isn’t life as an obsessive-compulsive like riding a roller-coaster?  At least for myself, I found that I had really HIGH highs and really LOW lows.

I’ve just always been someone who really, really delights in the good moments, and when the bad times come, boy, do they ever hit hard!  And yet, I have never wanted to NOT celebrate those high points.  Some people have said that it would be better just to be stable, and I can see that, but MAN, I wanna feel JOY down to my toes when it’s there for the taking!

I think part of it is OCD and part of it is being a writer.  If you’re an artist, I bet you know what I mean!

About five days ago I posted that I had been moping in the depths of despair, worrying that I would always be a mediocre writer and wanting SO desperately to be great.  I put my project on hold indefinitely and spent the next five days creating new characters in my head, getting more and more excited about them as time went on.

Only five days after my horrendous sadness, having come face-to-face with my failures, THIS was my prayer last night:

Jesus,

Tonight is one of those nights where I am just THRILLED to be a writer.  How incredible that I get to PLAY around this way with absolutely no constraints but the ones I put on myself?!  I can name a character whatever I choose and make him/her act as I want and do as I please and have whatever history or hang-ups I can imagine.  And it’s up to me to invent feelings and family and conversations.  It’s so much power– and it’s given to writers.

I am blown away.  I am SO grateful to You, Lord, for making me as I am!  I pray EARNESTLY that my writing has a purpose and a message of hope and grace.  YOU.  I want to share You with the world through my writing.

Here we go, back on up … !

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10 thoughts on “the ups and the downs

  1. I do think that a lot of the ups and downs have to do with being a writer. Not that all of them are even writing-related, but I think we attach feeling to a lot of events or thoughts that we process. It’s part of who we are, and what we have been enabled to do. We see and feel things that others may not at a certain moment. It’s such an “up” though, to remember that the gift of creativity is a God-given attribute, one that God used to bring the world into existence in all of its intricacy. Love your prayer, Jackie! And keep up the writing; I love reading what you write, and I think you are a great writer, even if the world doesn’t know it yet (if my humble opinion counts for anything).

    • Thanks Stace!!! You’re sweet! And I do agree with what you say about having part of it be because of being a writer. I feel pretty convinced that all writers are a little crazy … in the best way possible! 🙂

  2. I agree–I think when you are a writer, especially when you feel in your depths that you are meant to write (as I think about myself and I bet you do too), you are more sensitive to feelings and events, and you have a whole inner life going on.

    I think, for me, some of the highs and lows also come from having depression and anxiety, including OCD. It’s not an unusual combination, but it’s a hard combination.

    I like your prayer, too, and am glad you are rejoicing in the fact that you are a writer!

  3. I’m glad to hear that you are feeling better. It’s wonderful that you can rejoice in the talent and skills that the Lord has given you. What a fabulous way to serve Him. I think it’s also great that you can enjoy it and have fun with it. I’ve pretty much only experienced the lows for a really long time, and only recently, due to some significant recovery, have I had any highs, and boy they are highs! I know what you mean. I don’t want the joy and joyfulness of just being alive to ever end.

  4. There is no doubt at all that your writing has purpose and conveys a message of hope and grace. You are an incredible writer–it is your gift, it is your calling, and God is already using you in amazing ways 🙂

  5. with bi-polar, highs aren’t a good thing. it can mean the person can’t control themself, can’t sleep for days on end, will go out and spend tons of money…and then a few weeks, days, months later they hit their low and don’t leave the house for a month. obviously it’s different for each person…some children have been known to climb out the window after lawnmowers 🙂
    love you!!!

  6. Hey there, I have OCD and bipolar type 2, I find that a lot of my emotions can base out of the BP and make my OCD worse.

    But I agree with eir, bipolar type 1 is significantly debilitating on both ends of the spectrum. I find with BP2 most people do feel heavily depressed, but the highs are called “hypomania”, so more of an “up” than most people, but not manic enough to be completely out of our minds (essentially).

    It’s definitely something to ask a psychiatrist about, since your experience sounds so familiar to me, haha. Keep up with your writing, you obviously love it!

  7. Pingback: the writing life | lightsallaround

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