HOCD stands for “homosexual obsessive-compulsive disorder,” and I think it’s about time I wrote about it on my blog.
HOCD is essentially when someone has intrusive thoughts and worries that he or she might be gay, even though they have been straight for years with no doubts … and even though they are attracted to the opposite sex and want to be with the opposite sex.
A better term would actually be “sexual orientation obsessive-compulsive disorder” because these worries sometimes torment gay people who suddenly wonder if they might be straight.
Just to be clear … this post is not about homosexuality and is not meant to spark debate about homosexuality. This post is about questioning whether you’re gay when you’re not (or vice versa), and that is a common thread amongst obsessive-compulsives, one I feel that most people would rather not discuss. People can argue till they are blue in the face about what to think about homosexuality, but there is only one way to look at a disorder that makes you question something that never needed to be questioned: that disorder is a liar.
Why don’t people want to talk about it more? I confess, I myself don’t, especially not in a platform like this blog. Because no one understands an obsessive-compulsive like another obsessive-compulsive, and it’s so hard to explain the internal riot occurring while going through any obsession. Many OCs are upfront about their obsessions with those they are closest to … then they (we) use those friends to solicit reassurance from. Do you think that was bad? Do you think I cleaned the dishes well enough and the kids won’t get sick? Do you think it was stealing when I took a paperclip home from work today? The friends tell us, No, it wasn’t bad; yes, you cleaned well; no, you’re not a thief.
But when an OC is struggling with HOCD, it’s very hard to ask friends, Do you think I really might be gay? We are less worried about their answer than about their secret judgments toward us after the question is asked.
I remember in 8th grade thinking that my friend looked pretty one day, and it set me off on a trail of questions and doubts: did that mean I was gay? Did that mean I liked her? Was attracted to her? I was the most boy-crazy girl that I knew, and inside my head, I was asking these questions.
Now that I am on the other side of cognitive-behavioral therapy, it is so unbelievably clear to me: If I liked only men and wanted to date only men, then I was not gay. But I can remember the questions: But do you only want to date men? It’s crafty, OCD is. It plays dirty. It makes us second- and triple- and quadrupal-guess ourselves. It’s all so exhausting.
I just wanted to write a post on it to explain what it is and to say that it is such a common obsession. I think the more we can see how it’s just the same old story with OCD, the more we can see clearly that we are not alone and that OCD is just that old liar who only has a small bag of tricks.
Please excuse the grammar errors in this graphic … I found it online!
Thanks for this post, Jackie. I certainly am somewhat familiar with HOCD but never thought of it as common. Like you say, not too many people talk about it.
I wanted to post it because I remember the first time *I* read about it and was like, “oh, so THAT’S what that was in junior high!!!” I hope someone else will find their story written here.
Good post, Jackie. I didn’t know HOCD was common, either. I think you’re right about people being more willing to talk about other forms of OCD but not HOCD. By writing about it, you are probably helping others feel less fear about it.
I hope so, Tina!!
Praying for you.
That’s not quite how it is/was for me, although it’s similar. For me it morphs in a number of different ways.
With me, it started during puberty, before I’d ever had romantic feelings toward anyone. And then it got bad enough that I didn’t have them for anyone for years, even as my peers started having their first crushes. So I didn’t have any evidence either way, which of course exacerbated the OCD. After a while the fear morphed into an obsessive fear of “being in denial” — it stopped being about being gay and became more of a general fear that I was hiding something from myself. Although sometimes generic HOCD crept back in there, too.
When I was doing ERP, I had to keep telling myself that I was gay, and it was actually quite fascinating to see what my brain did in response. The little voice that had been whispering in my ear all those years “but that’s a lie! You’re probably gay, you know. You’re just lying to yourself!” started to say “but you’re probably straight! Why are you telling yourself this? THIS is all lies!” My brain kept swapping back and forth — it had no idea what to DO with the ERP.
Today, I can’t healthily say that I’m straight. If I do that, I get on this extremely negative track where that must be true 100% of the time, and the slightest threat to this “truth” sets me off again. (And quite honestly I’m not even sure I am “straight” — I’ve learned so much about sexuality being fluid and I think that could be true for me.) I have to live with uncertainty, and some days that’s freeing, and other days it’s excruciating. But it’s the only healthy way for me to move forward. And I tell myself that one day I will fall in love and all the pain of what-is-the-truth-I’ve-got-to-find-it will be a thing of the past.
(One nice side effect has been the compassion I now feel for the gay community. After years of this, I get angry to the point of steaming, boiling rage when I hear people say they don’t think gay people should be able to adopt children, or get married. Though OCD is ugly, the empathy it gives us is actually quite beautiful.)
Libby, thank you for sharing your story! I agree– living with uncertainty is the key!!
Jackie, I’ve been lurking for a while, but had to comment on this – HOCD absolutely tortured me in middle school, and again in college. You’re so right – I could never tell any of my friends for fear they would take it the wrong way. Same way with POCD (pedophile OCD) which was an absolute, unrelieved nightmare. Sigh. I guess this means we have to talk about this now, right?
I’m so glad you commented, Anna! I’m so excited to check out your blog. I remember going through a time of life when I thought I was a sex offender. All that because years earlier as a camp counselor, I had slapped my girlies on the butt (kinda like how coaches do it to the football players). I mean, I felt like I should be locked up. I hate OCD.
Gonna go check out your blog now.